My Psychic Feud With Yvette Fielding Part Two

The Story So Far:

I, Terry Strange, voted 18th most popular celebrity paranormal detective in the world, had been invited to join the TV presenters on Most Haunted. I would be working alongside Derek Acorah (genuine psychic powers) and Yvette Fielding (ex-Blue Peter, probably not genuine psychic powers, screams a lot) and the Other Bloke Who Says He Is A Skeptic. However due to an administrative oversight on my part (I should've seen that coming aha ha ha ha) I had mislaid the letter from the producer asking me to be #1 Psychic on the show and was kept back in the small crowd of general public gathered excitedly round the Most Haunted truck.

Now, from what I remember this was in Doncaster. Or was it County Durham? So many years have rolled by and still my psychic feud with Fielding continues. She really bears a grudge that girl!

I had established that the late 'slap and tickle hows your father' comedian Benny Hill was her spirit guide though I could tell that Fielding didn't know this. If she did she would surely have gone on and on at length about it on the program. My own spirit guide Garry said Benny Hill was still spending his time chasing large groups of half-naked lady ghosts around a park in the afterlife and was probably too busy to psychically get in touch with Fielding in the usual supernatural way that spirit guides do.

In that case then why was Fielding always going on about 'asking ghosts to show themselves' and/or squealing at the slightest sound? Yes, she is a girl, but she must surely be making it up if her actual spirit guide was busy running around after lady ghosts and not assisting her.

I once more fought my way thru the crowd to the security guard, no mean feat when one is wearing a long cape covered in moons and stars and a viking helmet. I asked to speak directly with Derek Acorah, as we are personal friends (well, technically my spirit guide Garry is friends with Derek's spirit guide Sam). The security guard said the program was about to start filming and Derek was 'tuning his aura using transcendental meditation'.
I used my own psychic abilties to discern that Derek was actually sat on the bog in the Most Haunted truck, having a crafty fag and reading The Sun, lingering over page 3.

It was at that point that Fielding stepped down from the Most Haunted truck (to about three cheers from the Acorah-worshippers) and saw me in the crowd

"Terry Strange" she said, in her loud squeaky voice and looked directly at me "Guard, seize him!"

I knew then that things were going to take a turn for the worse (in Part Three)

Terry Strange